So, okay. Haven't posted in here in quite a while. ahaha

I stopped eating meat February 1st and started cutting down on dairy/eggs. I want to eat less cooked food, yeah. I really don't feel like I'm depriving myself or anything, I mean, if I want to eat some meat or what have you, I will. I just don't want to. That's why I hate the whole calling yourself a "vegetarian" or "vegan" or "raw foodie" wtf; since when does what you eat define you as a person?? That's creepy and kind of gross to me to be honest ahaha

I don't necessarily think it's wrong to eat meat or anything. It is natural, after all. But I also think as humans, we can make choices about what we want and don't want to do. Plus most of us are no longer hunter/gatherers. Going to Ralphs and picking up a slab of plastic wrapped meat isn't really hunting ahaha! Meat just seems dirty/unclean to me right now, same with dairy and eggs... I just want clean, fresh, alive food.

I went to the doctor's for the first time in thousands of years and the blood test said I had a low white blood cell count. She told me to eat more protein, especially dairy and eggs. Eeeh. I'm going to get checked again pretty soon, I wonder what it will say.

The more regularly I eat, usually the less I weigh. And I look better too. Never really noticed that and I like it. Lately, I've been eating every single day (this is rare!) and I weigh less than when I was last fasting and desperately trying to lose weight! Ha!

I haven't really worked out in a while though. When I work out or at least do some good stretches in the morning, my mood is lifted, I feel great, have more energy, etc, etc! I need that!

I'm glad to have grown out of that whole dumb girl self-hating thing. The whole looking in the mirror, calling yourself ugly and fat, hating yourself, thinking it's the end of the world, reaching for those razor blades... ahahaha It all seems so stupid and almost FUNNY now. I mean, I still might get a little disappointed every once in a while, but it's no cause for tears. When I look in the mirror, I know I'm not perfect but instead of getting upset, I just try to take note of what I need to change.

I went on my friend's page today after not being on this account in a while, and most of the entries from random communities are by really young girls claiming how they hate themselves for being so fucking fat and ugly etc etc. We've all been there but it's so sad to see it from the outside now. I don't know, I was going to write something very profound but I lost it. When I look in the mirror and judge myself, I try to be realistic about it and not get too emotionally involved.

Wow, haven't posted in here in over a year. Anyway, I'm back.

Before this Sunday, everything was going okay. I weighed on average about 115 and sometimes less without trying at all. What I mean is, I didn't plan anything or make up a diet or force myself to fast, it just all happened on its own.
Then on Sunday, got high and binged on a lot a lot of junk food. It was horrible, I felt my stomach tearing at the seams!
Monday, I felt super guilty about eating so much and my stomach still hurt. I couldn't even go to class because of it. Kept thinking about how heavy I felt so I ate more. I hate how I do that, it doesn't make sense! Feel shitty about eating so much, so eat more? Why??
Then Tuesday, I didn't eat all day because I knew I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant. At dinner, ate an ENTIRE salad with chicken and some fries. Okay, since when are salad portions the size of bath tubs?? It was huuuge! I still managed to eat it, though.
Yesterday, I started of in the right mindset. But then I started over thinking it and thought about food every two seconds, so I ended up eating. But then I smoked some weed and fell asleep for the rest of the day.
I weighed 119 lbs yesterday and I know I can lose this really fast. It's not so hard, I just have to stop giving in to stupid munchies! haha
Oh and I have a gym membership... How come I never go?

So the past week or so I have been horrible. I don't even want to weigh myself! So I'm going on another liquids only fast starting today. No deadline because I don't want to discourage myself and fuck up. The main reason I've been so bad this past week is mostly because of all the weed I've been smoking. How do you control your munchies?? Chewing gum and drinking a lot of water normally works for me but I usually forget. Aaah it sucks!

hahahahahaa I AM VICTORIOUS!

So anyway, I wanted to test myself if I would give into food. Also, I wanted my parents to think I'm eating. I asked my father if he wanted a sandwich because I was making myself one. He said yeah so I made two. This was all while both my parents were in the kitchen with me. I gave one sandwich to my dad and the other I took to my room to "eat". I looked at it and smelled it for like ten minutes (I knew I wasn't going to eat it but I was trying to see if I would break, I'm such a tease haha). After I realized that there is no way any of that is going inside me, I put it in a clear plastic bag to throw away. This is where it gets a little weird... hahaa For some reason I started mushing it around in the sealed bag. I imagined that the bag was my stomach and this is what it would look like if I had eaten the sandwich. I bounced it up and down in my hand, that is how much heavier I'd be. It was totally disgusting, but it created a very vivid visual. I recommend this to anyone who needs motivation. Really, even if it sounds stupid and weird. Then I just threw the "stomach" out in the garbage.

What I had today -
Cup of coffee (low fat milk)
A bunch of pills
A bunch of water

I just weighed myself and I am down to 119 lbs. I haven't weighed myself since like, the day before yesterday. This is going good. 120 lbs was my short term goal, so I passed it! Yesss!
I'm taking baby steps to keep me motivated so my next goal is 117 lbs. That shouldn't be too hard at all.
I going to go work out right now and do a bunch of chores. Life is gooood.

Day three of my liquid fast, except that I broke it. I'm not beating myself up about it because it wasn't from weakness at all, I just had to eat for show in front of my mother and all the teachers I work with in Saturday school.
What did I eat? Half a palm-full of salad (tomatoes, red bell pepper, lettuce, and small cubes of mozzarella, no dressing/oil) that took me 15 minutes to eat. I would put some in my mouth and just let it sit there until it pretty much dissolved or chew it until it turned to nothing. And it looked like I was eating, which was why I was doing it in the first place.
It's funny, I felt soooo full afterward that I almost threw up. I went to the bathroom, but decided to not go through with it because all my 4-6 year old students were there. After like five minutes I felt fine.

Besides that salad, what I had today were -
Cup of coffee (low fat milk)
Cup of black tea
Rockstar Energy Drink (220 cal)
And a lot of water as usual

I'm not going to consider that salad as breaking my liquids-only fast. Because it's not like I ate it because I gave up or was hungry. Plus, I mushed it up in my mouth so much that it turned to liquids anyway! hahahaha

Oooh! I may not believe in this, but some of the concepts and ideas are very inspirational - Breathanarianism.
Read the whole web site, it's really interesting.

Tonight I'm probably going out to drink with my friends, so I hope I don't get too drunk that I eat something.

Day two of this "liquid fast" was also somewhat a success.

3.5 cups of coffee (no sugar, low fat milk)
1 small glass of orange juice
A ton of water

I downed two cups of coffee too fast I think, so I started to get dizzy and weird. I went to an office supply store with my mother and I was so alert yet I felt very weak. I couldn't even carry the little shopping basket! When I got home I had some orange juice and it made me feel better. Moral - gotta watch out for too much coffee on an empty stomach!

So, I made a secret livejournal account to keep better track of my weight loss and to connect with others. I mean, keeping a paper journal is fine and all but it's so lonely! There's no one there to support you. I've been weird about food since as long as I can remember. And in sixth grade I started to restrict my eating because I thought I was too fat. Back then I didn't even know there was such a thing as an eating disorder, I was just doing what I felt was necessary. Since then (I am a senior in high school now) I have been doing things to lose weight. Recently, I discovered the livejournal eating disordered community and thought it might really help me out.
This time last year, I weighed around 115-117 lbs (I am 5'8") but by the end of the school year I got up to 120 lbs. I set my mind on losing a ton of weight over the summer but my attention was diverted by love and my close friends force fed me ginormous meals. By the end of the summer I had ballooned up to 130 lbs!! That is the most I've ever seen on a scale!
Before this past month, the only way I would lose weight is just stop eating altogether and sleep a lot. That was always okay up until something inside my head would tick and I would just pig out like crazy! Now I've been thinking more about my food choices. I started counting calories (something very new to me) and exercising more. Not only is this healthier but, in my opinion, more controlled and orderly. Right now I weigh 124 lbs and I hope to get down to 115 lbs and then maybe even lower. We'll just have to see how things go.
I'm hoping to make online friends that either have similar stats, that give inspiration and support, or have any interesting methods and ideas. Just support, you know!